


I Think I Need A Light

by goblinhimbo



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:20:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25605733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goblinhimbo/pseuds/goblinhimbo
Summary: Sammy knew what he was doing was unhealthy, but how could he stop?
Relationships: Ben Arnold & Sammy Stevens
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	I Think I Need A Light

**Author's Note:**

> this may be triggering to those with depression or those who self harm, so proceed with caution. remember that you are loved and wanted. 
> 
> the title is from the song 'Spiraling Again" by Carter Powers.

Sammy’s arm hurt.

It often did, now. Before, it did as well, but then he met Jack. And Jack didn’t force him to stop, but the sadness that crept into his expression every time he saw it was enough to give him a reason. 

But his reason was gone, so what did he care? 

He had to admit though, it was annoying. Not being able to wear his normal shirts, even when the summer’s heat made him nearly nauseous. And the random pains throughout the day distracting him from his normal tasks.

To be fair, that was what he signed up for. But there’s something different between the pain that came while he’s doing it, and the ever present pain of after. The bursts of pain that came when he bumped into something was the worst, and after his worst nights he’s only barely able to keep his expression from contorting in surprise and pain. But he couldn’t. 

Ben was much more observant than most gave him credit for. Far more so than Sammy originally believed. And even though they met less than a year ago, Sammy had known Ben long enough to know how protective he can be. And though Sammy may not want to admit it, he didn’t know if he could actually stop, at this point. 

As Sammy thought, he reached out to grab his coffee, accidentally banging his arm into the table. He felt his face twitch lightly, the pain somehow a surprise despite it being a constant these days. 

Glancing over at Ben, Sammy felt himself untense slightly when he saw him looking through the drawers, searching for who knows what. 

Sammy would like to think he had gotten skilled at hiding his pained expressions within the past few months, but that one hurt more than most bumps. That evening was… _bad_ , putting it lightly, and he knew he should have taken care of them better. But he had been in a rush when he woke up to go to the station, so he didn’t bother. He didn’t care if they got infected anyway. 

Regardless, their shift was finally over. He would just go home and bandage them after he washed them, and it would be fine. 

“Dude?” Ben's voice interrupted Sammy's thoughts, a welcome distraction. Looking up from where his gaze was resting on his mug, Sammy saw Ben standing in front of him, looking mildly annoyed and largely concerned. 

“Sorry, I was thinking,” Sammy replied, sheepishly smiling

“It's fine, no reason to apologize. You okay? You’ve been deep in thought all night, you can tell me if somethings up.” 

Sammy felt his smile grow slightly strained, and he couldn’t help think that he couldn’t. How could he? What would he even say? _‘Sorry, I've just been thinking about how I'm falling apart without my one reason to keep living. How have you been?’_

Shaking his head, Sammy stood. “Yeah, i know Ben. I’m fine. Come on, let’s get out of here, I'm hungry.”

Ben perked up slightly, bouncing. “So am I! Wanna get Rosa’s?”

The smile across Ben's face was impossible to say no to, and despite the fact that Sammy knew he should decline, he found himself nodding in agreement. Ben somehow grinned even wider, and couldn’t help but find himself smiling back. 

“Awesome! Let’s go then, because I really am starving and need to eat immediately.”

Sammy laughed as he stood, shaking his head fondly, “But Ben, you’re always hungry. That is nothing new, bud.” 

“How dare you! I'll let you know I am a young man in amazing shape, unlike you, old man!” 

Shaking his head, Sammy walked to the door, “Never said you weren’t, Ben… hold on, old man?!”

Ben's laugh crowded the small room, and despite the mock hurt tone and expression that Sammy had, he could honestly say that this was the happiest he could hope to be for now. 

—-

“Sammy, I’m telling you, he was insane!”

Shaking his head, Sammy smiled fondly before replying “I’m sure he was, Ben”

Ben dramatically plopped back in his booth, turning his head toward the diner ceiling “No, see, that voice tells me you don’t believe me!” He quickly sat back up in his seat, pointing at Sammy. “It's very rude, Stevens!”

Sammy raised up his hands, and barely managed to not laugh at the ridiculousness that was his best friend. “I said I believe you, dude!”

“Ah ha!” Ben shook his finger at Sammy and said, “You _said_ you believe me! That means you really don’t, and are just saying it to appease me! I will not be appeased!” 

This time Sammy doesn’t quite manage to smother his laughter, and this only caused his co host to become more incensed with the conversation. “How dare you laugh! You are mocking me!”

“Because you’re being ridiculous, Ben Arnold.”

“How dare you accuse me of such a thing! I have never once been ridiculous in my entire life!”

“You are literally being ridiculous right now. As we speak. This whole conversation is ridiculous.” 

“Am not!”

Sammy, not bothering to reply, raised an eyebrow as he stared in the eyes of his friend. Seeming to realize he just said the words ‘am not’ as a man in his mid thirties, Ben slumped a bit, and said, “Okay, maybe a bit.”

Laughing freely at his friend's apparent misery from admitting to being ‘a bit’ ridiculous, Sammy managed to say, “Come on dude, we’ve been sitting in this booth for nearly a half hour after already _paying._ We should go.”

Ben slumped back even further, somehow, and dramatically flung an arm across his face. “But I don't want to!”

“... Why not?”

“Because I don’t have anything to do today so i’m just going to be bored and making fun of old men is much more fun!”

“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not that much older then you?”

“As many times as you want. Won’t change the fact that you’re an old man.”

Sammy just laid his head down in his arms, groaning at his friend’s stubbornness. “Come on Ben, before we get kicked out of the best diner in King Falls and then you can’t get your pancake puppies anymore.”

Making a squawking noise, Sammy heard Ben scramble to his feet quickly. Chuckling quietly, Sammy followed suit, though much less childishly. 

As the two of them walked out together, Ben called out a cheerful, “Bye Rosa!”, which Sammy repeated. Rosa’s response came as they stepped into the chilly early morning air and the door swung shut behind them. 

And then Sammy made the mistake. 

Walking across the still slightly dim parking lot, Sammy felt his foot get stuck on something and stumbled. From the corner of his eye, he saw Ben instinctively reach for him, letting out a, “Woah-!” as he grabbed Sammy’s arm to stabilize him. And Sammy flinched, hard, letting out a hiss of air between his teeth. 

Realizing what he did, Sammy's eyes widened and he looked fearfully at Ben’s expression. Ben seemed to be just as frozen as Sammy was, not knowing how to respond and looking scared. Yanking his arm out of Ben’s grip, he tried to quickly walk to his car, not wanting to have the conversation he knew was now inevitable. 

“Wait-!”

Ben reached out to grab onto Sammy again, before faltering. Sammy felt a sick satisfaction, hating the fact that he knew Ben was afraid of hurting him but at least glad he wasn’t going to stop him. The satisfaction drained from him completely, however, when Ben grabbed the edge of his shirt instead, a determined look across his face. 

He felt himself resign to this fate slightly, knowing that once Ben is determined to do something absolutely nothing can stop him. 

“Sammy.” 

Looking to the side, Sammy’s shoulders crept up to his ears as he hunched slightly, falling into a defensive stance. “What?”

Hearing a soft sigh, Sammy looked slightly at Ben from the corner of his eye. His expression had softened slightly, now looking more concerned than anything. “Sammy, what…’ a trembling intake of air, before Ben continued, “What’s going on? You were quiet the entire show, and I thought that some time to relax and eat something would help, but…” 

Ben’s eyes flicked to his arm, which was now wrapped around Sammy’s midsection protectively. “You can tell me anything, you know that, right?” 

Sammy hesitated, and that seemed to be enough of an answer for Ben. “Oh. I see.”

“No, Ben-”

“No what, Sammy? You don’t trust me! You won’t tell me what’s going on!” Ben’s voice broke slightly, betraying the hurt he felt which he was covering up with anger. 

Finally, Sammy turned fully toward his best friend, forcing himself to look him in the eyes. “I trust you, I promise you I do Ben. It’s just… hard. It’s hard to talk about this stuff.”

Ben’s expression softened once again, some of the anger dropping for his shoulders. “I know it is, dude. But, I can help! You know I love you, you're my best friend. It’s hard seeing you hurt, especially when I don’t even know _why._ When you won’t let me help.”

And for a split second, Sammy could see himself telling him. Not just about the cutting, but about why he is here, who he was before, about _Jack_. He could see himself admitting to all of it, and for the first time in over a year, not being alone. 

Then he looked in Ben’s eyes, and that feeling went away. Ben doesn’t need that, doesn’t need his baggage. He deserved to be able to focus on his crush on Emily, and on becoming a proper journalist, and being _happy._ He didn’t need Sammy’s issues. 

But he knew he wouldn’t be able to get out of this conversation without revealing something. Even if he just hightailed it out of there, he works with the dude. He couldn't exactly avoid him. He wouldn't want to, even if he could. 

After several long moments of silence, Ben interrupted Sammy’s thoughts for the second time that day. “Please, you don’t have to tell me everything, just _something._ Something to go off of here.”

Slowly Sammy nodded, saying, “Okay, just… not here?” 

The pure relief that bloomed across Ben’s face was almost enough to make the night worth it as he replied, “Yeah, of course dude! Uh, we can go back to my apartment?”

Sammy sighed before nodding once again. “Yeah, that’s okay.”

“Awesome!” 

Ben started walking to his car, still holding onto Sammy’s shirt. “Uh, Ben? You do realize you're gonna have to let go, so I can go to my car, right?”

Quickly letting go of his shirt, Ben laughed nervously then said, “Ha, of course I knew that! I was just, uh, walking you toward our cars!”

Sammy laughed quietly, walking toward his own car. “I’ll see you at your place, Ben.”

Getting into the car, Sammy missed Ben’s response. He took a moment to close his eyes and sigh deeply. That had not gone how he wanted it to. He had hoped that Ben would never find out about this, and he knew that it was too late to do anything about it now. Ben wouldn’t give up on this. 

He reluctantly started the car once he saw Ben pull out of the parking lot, following him to his apartment. Theoretically Sammy could have gone first, but despite how many times he’s been to Ben’s place, he always forgot the directions. 

As he drove, he considered just not going. Just turning down a different street and going back to his own apartment. But he knew there was no point to doing so, he would just be hounded at work, and Ben would be upset. And truthfully, that was the last thing he wanted. Unfortunately, it seems like there's a high chance Ben will be upset at the end of the night one way or another. 

Before he knew it, they were pulling into Ben’s apartment building, he parked his car right next to Ben’s. Within moments Ben had popped out of his car, and had walked over to Sammy’s door. 

Through the window, Sammy raised an eyebrow at him. Ben made a face back at him, and Sammy smiled slightly, and felt some of the knott in his chest untense slightly. 

It’s not that Sammy thinks that Ben would react badly, or be angry at him. It's that he knows Ben will be sad, and that is a million times worse than his anger. 

Sammy sighed slightly before opening his door, getting out. Ben instantly started talking, which absolutely did not surprise Sammy in the slightest. “Finally, dude! I swear to god, when we are old like Hershel and Cecil, you’re going to be the slowest old man in the world!”

“I thought I was already an old man?”

“... Shut up.”

Sammy’s smile became slightly more real and he said, “Come on dude, let’s get this over with.”

Before he knew what was happening, Ben was grabbing his hand and pulling him to the doors, rambling all the way. Sammy tuned him out as they walked to his apartment, and only started to tune back in as Ben unlocked the door to his place.

“And then Emily says-”

Sammy chuckled quietly, causing Ben to turn toward him and ask, “What?”

Shaking his head, Sammy replied, “Nothing, dude.”

Ben squinted at him before shrugging, finally unlocking his door. “Whatever, man. Come on.”

He dragged him forward into the apartment, still gripping his hand tightly. He led them to the couch, sitting on it quickly and giving Sammy a look telling him to do the same. After a moment's hesitation, he did so, sitting beside his friend. Ben finally let go of his hand, and Sammy wiped it on his jeans, feeling them start to sweat from the nerves. 

Ben continued to look intently at Sammy’s face, and Sammy looked off to the side. 

After several long seconds of silence, Ben spoke up, “Well? You said you were going to explain, so you're going to explain, Sammy.”

“I know, Ben, it’s just…” Sammy hesitated, looking for the words to explain what he was feeling. “It’s hard to talk about. It’s hard to even begin to talk about. I don’t know how to start.”

There were another long few seconds of silence, before Ben said, “Can you look at me? Please?”

Reluctantly, Sammy did so. Ben was looking at him with a concern he didn’t try to hide, and an affection that almost hurt to see. “I’m not expecting you to explain everything to me yet. I know you are… cagey, about your past, and I’m not asking you to explain any of that to me for now. But I need _something,_ Sammy. Because right now? Right now I’m jumping to conclusions, and those conclusions are _scary_. You’re my best friend, and I want to help you with whatever you’re dealing with.”

Guilt pooled in his stomach, a physical ache, and he quietly spoke, “... I’m sorry.”

Ben’s eyes widened, and he leaned forward so quickly Sammy wasn’t entirely sure he was even aware of doing it. “Sammy, you don’t have to _apologize!_ I’m worried because I love you, dude. I don’t want you to be hurting, and I know you are.”

“But I don’t want to drag you into my mess!” 

Realizing what he said, Sammy shifted slightly in his seat. “I don’t want you to worry about me. You shouldn’t have to be.”

“I don't have to be. I want to be. I want to worry if you're hurting. That’s a part of loving someone.”

Sammy didn’t respond, just anxiously rubbing his hands on his jeans. Ben sighed quietly, and said, “How about this. Why did you seem like you were in pain when I grabbed your arm?”

Taking a deep, shaky breath, Sammy sat in silence, thinking. He knew there was no way he could get out of answering or pretending that he didn’t. Ben was too smart and too stubborn for that. 

So the question was, did he lie or tell the truth?

He was used to lying, at that point. He has been lying since the moment he got into town, and he didn’t see himself stopping anytime soon. But that doesn’t mean that he liked it. Especially not to Ben. Every time he lied to Ben he felt like the scum of the Earth, and he knew that this time would be no different. 

And it would be nice to have someone know again.To have someone he wouldn’t have to pretend around, someone he wouldn’t have to hide from when he was in pain. 

After a couple minutes spent in silence, Ben not so patiently waiting, Sammy finally spoke. “Can I just show you? I don’t…” a deep breath, “I don’t think I can say it? But I can show you.”

Ben nodded immediately, saying, “Of course you can dude!” with an encouraging and kind smile.

Sammy hesitated, and Ben waited with a patience Sammy was sure Ben didn’t really feel. Sammy wiped off his hands on his jeans again, more of a method to stall then to wipe off sweat. 

He looked away from Ben, and slowly began to roll up his sleeve. He knew that Ben saw the cuts when he heard a harsh intake of breath. He didn’t stop rolling it up until it was at the very top of his arm, and he knew that though there were no fresh cuts past that, scars continued to go up to his shoulder. He knew that if he were to look at the other arm he would see scars of the same kind there as well. 

Feeling the soft brush of skin against his arm, his head snapped to Ben. He had a heartbroken expression that crushed Sammy’s heart to look at, and was softly touching the cuts on his arm. 

He made a soft, hurt sound, and Sammy felt like the scum of the Earth. Sammy began to pull his arm away, but before he could Ben wrapped his fingers around his wrist, careful to stay low enough to not agitate any of the cuts. 

Without saying a word, Ben began walking to the bathroom, dragging Sammy behind him. Softly, almost afraid, Sammy said, “Ben?”

Ben didn’t answer, didn’t even turn to face him. Sammy felt his anxiety and fear worsen as they walked to the bathroom.

The door banged against the wall when Ben swung it open, and Sammy flinched slightly. Ben didn’t stop, however, so neither did Sammy. Ben continued to drag him over to the sink, before beginning the rifle through the cabinet with the hand not holding onto Sammy’s arm.

After Ben found what he had been looking for, he finally turned toward Sammy once again, allowing him to see his friend’s face. His stomach dropped when he saw the tears streaming down his best friend’s face. 

Despite the tears, Ben had a determined expression, and he pointed toward the toilet, which had the seat down. When Sammy didn’t move, Ben said, “Sit.”

Slowly, Sammy did as Ben told him to do. Luckily the bathroom was small so it wasn’t exactly far, because Ben was still holding his arm tightly, and Sammy got the impression he wasn’t going to be letting go anytime soon.

Sammy looked toward his friend’s other hand, and felt slightly shocked to see him holding bandages, though he knew that is what made most sense for him to have gotten. 

Ben put the bandages on the sink counter, before grabbing a towel. He turned on the sink and ran it under the water for a few seconds before adding some soap. He rubbed it into a lather before turning off the sink, taking the single step needed to get to wear Sammy was sitting. After a moment’s deliberation, he knelt on his knees in front of Sammy, so he wouldn’t have to bend down.

He moved to clean the cuts, before pausing for a moment, looking at Sammy. Sammy nodded, giving Ben permission to do so. Some of the hardness from Ben’s expression melted away, and he smiled at Sammy slightly. 

When he started to clean the cuts, Ben was surprisingly gentle. It doesn’t take much for them to start to hurt, but as his friend gently rubbed the cuts, it hardly registered as pain at all. Sammy found himself spacing out slightly, the pure stress of the interaction having drained him almost completely. 

That could have gone worse, right? I mean sure, he just made his best friend cry and now he felt like the worst person on Earth, but it probably could have gone worse. Somehow. 

Sammy is jolted back into his body when Ben starts to dry his arm, the texture slightly harsher. He watched his friend’s face as he did it, and felt himself be reminded how much he loves Ben when he saw how focused he was on the simple task, treating it with the utmost importance,

Once his arm was dried, Ben plopped the towel to the ground and began to bandage his arm. This as well he treated it as if it were one of the most important things we would ever do, going slowly and carefully. 

As soon as that was finished, he stood up from his kneeling position. Less than a moment later, he grabbed onto Sammy’s good arm and pulled him up. Once Sammy was standing, Ben wrapped his arms tightly around him. Like this, Sammy could feel the way Ben shook. Without any hesitation, Sammy returned the hug just as tightly, and he knew he was shaking as well. Sammy could feel Ben’s tears beginning to soak through his shirt, and held Ben even tighter in response.

“I won’t ask you to stop,” Ben said, voice near a whisper, “but I will tell you, if you want to do it, call me. Or just come here. I don’t care what time of day it is. I am _here_ Sammy.”

Finally, Sammy allowed himself to cry as well. Silently, without making a sound, he finally let himself cry as he turned and buried his head in Ben’s hair. 

Sammy knew this didn’t fix anything. Jack was still gone, and he probably wouldn’t be able to get himself to call, not for a long time. But for the first time in almost a year, Sammy wasn’t entirely alone. For now, that would have to be enough. 


End file.
